Author Topic: The Crap in the Sack  (Read 6070 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.


  • Administrator
  • Status:
  • Bogglesnots.
    • View Profile
on: 12:31:52 AM 10/10/13
I think it was Tuesday, though I can't rightly say.
The night when a Slimebeast shambled my way.

I was at home, asleep in my bed,
when suddenly dread filled my sleepy-bed head!

"What's that?" I asked after a knock at the door,
"Who's there?" I demanded, as I jumped to the floor.

"I'm a friendly young chap," came a burbling voice,
"Please let me in! I swear that I'm noice."

"Your rhyming needs work," I meekly informed,
"But you can come in if you're not dead or deformed."

"I'm not one of those!" the voice cheerily chirped,
"So can I come in?" it bubbled and burped.

"I guess." I said bravely, my hand on the knob,
"I just hope you aren't some inbred hick slob."

I cracked the door a bit, just a tad, just to see,
then suddenly something oozed through like warm pee.

"A SLIMEBEAST!" I shouted, backing away from the sight,
"You shouldn't come in! This just isn't right!!"

The thing sat there, dripping, sorting out all its eyes,
"I think this goes here." (It took multiple tries.)

"What do you want?" I screamed, holding a bat,
"Don't eat my dog, but you can have the wife's cat."

"Relax," said the heap, now looking more proper,
"I'm not a cruel fiend, I'm a sweet-hearted slopper!"

Then, from the bedroom, a screen's glow did appear,
The Slimebeast turned suddenly, its expression quite queer.

"I don't think you can say that," the creature harassed,
"I think 'queer' is a term best left in the past."

"Whatever," I frowned, lowering my bludgeon,
"Get lost, you freakish and slovenly curmudgeon!"

"Not before I'm finished! I have work to do!"
The Slimebeast slid toward me, leaving some goo.

It turned to the bedroom, and crawled right on in.
I felt every hair raise on my baby-pink skin.

"What have we here?!" the Slimebeast was cooing,
"You read CreepyPasta? That's what you've been doing?"

"Sometimes," I entered behind the foul brute,
"It's none of your business, now please will you scoot?"

"Just a moment, I'm busy." it said, keying in a letter,
"I'm editing things and making them better!"

I watched in stunned silence as the thing set to work,
It gurgled like a drain and laughed like a jerk.

The thing typed like mad! 60 words a minute!
No story was safe from what he'd put in it!

It fixed up the Pastas that were labeled "Crappy".
It stuck a razor blade into Happy Appy!

Slenderman's origin was given a spin.
Slimebeast decided he was parasitic skin!

Smiledog's tale was tweaked just a smidgen,
with the photo spread only by carrier pigeon.

"Spread the bird!" the thing chuckled, "I do say, that's funny!"
It patted its own back, which was putrid and runny.

The Rake was up next. What a bad way to go!
The creature was changed from a Rake to a Hoe.

It appeared on street corners just outside bars.
Then it waited and leapt into slow-moving cars.

"Candle Cove!" spat the Slimebeast, "That one puzzles me."
"I have the whole thing on Blu-Ray DVD."

"That's great," I said sharply, "You must show me sometime."
"Now would you mind leaving quickly? I'm tired of rhyme."

"Just one more!" howled the beast, having way too much fun,
"Jeff the Killer is last, then I swear that I'm done."

I looked on in apathy as it toyed with the story,
making it more weird than scary or gory.

"Go to sleep?" Slimebeast puzzled, "That's a catchphrase to you?"
"I don't know, maybe there's something new I can do!"

In a flurry those tendrils jabbed key after key,
I was just glad those probes weren't focused on me.

Jeff the Killer, that sad sack, he was barely the same!
He had a new look, and he got a new name!

"Too much like the Joker," Slimebeast had decided,
"Based on ICHI THE KILLER!" it cruelly derided.

Instead of no eyelids, Jeff now had no ears,
to stop all the negative comments he hears.

Instead of his normal Glasgow-smiling lips,
Slimebeast gave him fatally titty-twister’d nips.

"Now he's Percy the Pooper," the glob suddenly jiggled,
"He says 'Go Number Two'!" it snickered and giggled.

"That's not better!" I shouted, finding my balls,
"Who said that YOU should be making these calls?"

"All my fans!" cried the Slimebeast, merry and gleeful,
"I have to write more, it's the will of the people!"

"You stuck-up old bastard!", I screamed, "Have you no class?"
"You're disappearing right up your pompous green ass!"

"Not a fan, are you?" the thing turned to me,
"Well that's something new for this genius to see!"

All at once I was seized by unnamable rage!
I couldn't let this ass-hat hog the whole stage!

"Your stories are crap!" I said, gathering a sheet,
"Your tales are all drivel without any real meat!"

I ran at the Slimebeast. It was stunned by my critique.
That self-assured, smug, un-relatable geek!

"Abandoned by Disney!" I shrieked as it stood in a daze,
"You ended it wrong, with an over-used phrase!"

"Funnymouth?" I insisted, throwing the sheet over its head,
"Nobody could tell what that trolling douche said!"

"Room Zero!" I cried out, rolling it in the fabric,
"Going back to the old, because your new stuff is tragic?"

"Let me out!" cried the Slimebeast as I scooped it up,
"Let me out, you uneducated, heretical pup!"

Rushing to the front door, I yanked it ajar.
I threw the sheet hard, and I threw the sheet far.

I locked the door tightly, and never looked back.
I was glad to be rid of the crap in the sack.
« Last Edit: 09:42:08 PM 10/10/13 by Slimebeast »
If I should live until I wake, I pray the web my death to fake.


  • Spatter
  • Status:
  • Slime me!
    • View Profile
on: 04:42:30 PM 07/06/15
Wow, that was a brilliant bit of self-deprecating pentameter!