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Author Topic: Stockpiled  (Read 7688 times)

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Slimebeast

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on: 04:53:28 AM 01/27/13
The first thing I noticed was the shed there out back.

This was a foreclosure auction, y'see, so none of us who were bidding could get a proper look. I stood up on my truck bed and got a peep over that fence, though. Nice enough looking house, small but well-kept, but what really got my gut riled up was the shed.

It was gray, maybe silver or something, looked all shiny and new and shit. White roof, for reflecting sunlight and keeping out the heat. There was some kind of engine next to it, so I figure its got air conditioning or its a freezer or whatnot. Either way, I wanted to get a closer look if the price was right.

All the regular bidders were there. The rich guys who fix up places as a hobby, they always made me sick. Always licking their lips and drooling over the chance to pick something up on the cheap. I'd bid them up just to do it. You know, because fuck 'em. Fat Cat bastards always trying to get fatter.

Well, I guess the house not looking like much was a checkmark in my favor. When all was said and done, them red-faced fatboys in their suits and ties up and quit. None of them even bothered to sneak a look at the place, because they're all jaded and just love to act like they've seen it all. You could pull an canoe out their ass and they'd act like it happens all the time.

I'm not like those folk. I just wanted a place for my family. The market was good, but not good enough for someone in my situation, so I started hanging out at these auctions to see what I might be able to find. A man learns some new tricks when his wife and daughter are living out of a hotel room at the Roachcrap Inn.

Before I even call back to the wife and tell her I've finally struck paydirt, I gotta check out that shed.

Looked the same up front as it did far away. Silvery and shiny and all that. Real pretty. The engine looked simple enough, I could fix it if it was broken. I'm handy like that, just about all I'm good for most days.

Problem was the big ol' chain on the front doors of the thing. There was a combo lock at the middle, and because of all that I couldn't budge the doors for the life of me. So after all that frothing at the mouth to see what this thing was, there I am with my thumb up my ass.

By the time I brought the wife and the kid around, I had a nice pair of bolt cutters on loan from Uncle Jepp. Yeah, that's "Jeff" with Ps where the Fs ought to be. Don't ask me why, nobody ever gets to the bottom of that shit.

While the girls are inside unpacking and prettying the place up like girls do, I'm out there cutting off the chains and breaking into that fucking shed.

The inside's nothing too special, but I can tell it's for sure a stockpiling shed. Refrigerated, lots of shelf space, all that. Pretty sweet. It's like having a walk-in freezer, and the only problem is you gotta walk your ass out the back door of the house whenever you need something.

It figured that the whole damned thing was empty. Ehh, I want to say empty, but there was one can on a shelf.

Just this tin can, all bloated and shit like something inside's gone bad. The label on it was black. Pure black, like the whole thing got inked over at the factory. Seemed odd for everything to be gone except for that one can, but there you go.

I took it out with me and threw it against a rock just to see what was inside. Could've been peaches, could've been dog food. I wasn't sure I'd be able to tell the difference, old as the thing looked.

Here's what really got me scratching my head, though... when I threw this can here against that rock there... it exploded all up.

I don't mean like a big fire explosion and whatnot, but a wet and gooey explosion like there was just so much black, rancid shit in there that the slightest jolt just blew everything on out. It was like that there little can up and blasted this big 'ol violent diarrhea shit all over the yard and all over me.

Took a few showers before I couldn't smell it on me no more, and even then the girls said they could still tell.

Well, weird is weird and all, but it wasn't exactly the most miraculous thing I'd seen since child birth, y'know? Tried to clean the crap up, but after a while the rain and the critters took more of it than I got off the grass.

So we stock the shed up real nice. A few trips to Cost Co and shit like that and we've got enough of a stockpile to survive the Rapture. I mean, let's be honest, the girl's going up, but me and the wife got our quirks. We didn't put in nothing that needed no refrigerating, though. Just shit like cans and bags of this and that. Stuff that'd KEEP, y'see.

Every so often the wife'd go out and retrieve something, but other than that I didn't pay much nevermind to the shed no more.

Then one day she tells me stuff's missing. She thought she was going crazy and all. Didn't know what all was going on up in there, but she'd been counting everything out to see if she was right, and now a couple things disappeared overnight.

I figure right away that we got "miney" neighbors. You know, "What's yours is mine and what's mine is mine." I put that chain right back on the doors and slammed on my own padlock. Put my shotgun by the bedroom door, just in case.

Still, stuff's missing. This over here, that over there, just random shit is there right up until the point it isn't.

That's when the wife starts making some really shitty food. I mean just insane shit that makes you feel like you're going to go blind. I didn't say nothing at first, just powered through it, but then I'm finding all these weird bits like corn in the fruit salad and apple slices in the stew.

She was seeing it too. So was the kid. We were all pulling chickpeas out of the peanut butter, crazy stuff.

We were at a loss to explain it until I up and fish one of the empty cans out of the trash. There's the problem, right there.

"DOLE CHERRIES & CORN"

Except the "& Corn" part was all sneaky-like, added below "Cherries" in little cursive letters. It didn't make good sense. Didn't even make good nonsense.

I go out to the shed, and I take a look around for more weird things.

I found some more "Cherries & Corn" in with both the normal cans of corn AND cherries. I found a bag of White Rice & Weed Killer. Thank the Lord above we didn't all sit down to that!

There had to be four different things all mixed up and ruined like that.

All I could figure was, we KNEW we didn't buy this stuff, so somehow everything's getting screwed around and put together. Some kinda Devil or Witch shit, y'know?

I emptied the shed out after that and we did some fooling around with it.

I put in a can of saurkraut and a can of pumpkin pie mix. We watched it for maybe an hour and nothing happened. The, the kid says maybe we have to close the door, so we do. We can't tell nothing odd's going on, but when we cracked the doors open again, there it was.

One can of some unholy abomination called "Pumpkraut".

I popped the can open and, yep, sure enough if I were to imagine what Pumkraut was like, that'd be it. I emptied that shit out in the toilet... wouldn't even give that mess to a dog... but I washed and saved the can.

Pumkraut! I'm kind of an inventor, y'know?

The picture on the can was all fucked up, too. It was just this weird amalgam of sauerkraut and pumpkin molded together in this shitty pie that made you sick even to look at it.

We put a lot of stuff together in the shed. Purely for shits & giggles.

Peas and oranges, green beans and mincemeat, any combination we could think of, we did it. I think the wife and I were more into this than the kid was, because we were plum confused, but the kid seemed like this wasn't anything special after a while.

I guess kids take this stuff for granted, y'know? Magic and all.

I put in a hammer and a pair of pliars and got... SOMEthing. Don't even know what you'd call it, but I know it isn't good for jack shit no more.

We didn't use the shed again after that. Left off the lock and chain more often then not, because there wasn't nothing to steal. Storing anything was a complete waste. When I talked to this guy in town about it, he didn't believe me nohow, but said it sounded like...

What was it he said...

He figured the shed was "trying to resolve everything to one". He said if we kept stuffing shit in there, the shed would just keep trying to make it all go down to one thing. One "ultimate singularity". Whatever the fuck that is.

Fucking town geeks.

Didn't think much about the shed, you know, other than "Remember not to leave anything in it". We were happy in the house, a bit run-down and in need of some fixing up... but like I said I'm handy.

The kid even made some friends. Local boys from just up the road a piece. Two little knuckle-heads that were always getting into trouble and cussing whenever they thought I wasn't around to hear.

I had to remember them by hair color, because otherwise they were like twins from different parents. The blonde kid is Rick, the red-head is Darryl. No way, no how am I allowed to call them Goldy and Rusty. My daughter's orders.

I told the kid not to tell them about the shed. Heaven knows what they'd stick in there. Chewed gum and a dead squirrel or whatever crazy shit kids do.

Now, my girls, they're everything to me. I'd trust both of them with my life, and except for a couple missteps, the kid's word has been gospel. When she promised not to show those boys that shed, I slept easy and never doubted it.

Frankly, I should've realized I didn't have all my bases covered.

I was sitting out in the yard one day, just filling my insides with beer while the Sun toasted my outsides brown. That was when I heard my daughter's voice.

It didn't hit me right away.

She was counting, and for the longest time I didn't pay no mind. Then, she stopped counting and shouted out that phrase we've all heard before.

"Ready or not, here I come!"

I jumped out the chair so fast, I nearly left my hide behind. My head was crazy clear. I could've heard a pin drop, could've spotted an aphid in the grass.

I ran to the shed as fast as my feet could take me and put my hands on the doors. After a second, just long enough to fully realize the possibilities of the situation, I threw the doors open and staggered back.

"RICK! DARRYL!" I shouted in shock and horror.

There, in the middle of the shed, sitting there and rocking slowly, were Darryl and Rick. The two of them. Combined.

Red and blonde hair mixed up top, their arms and legs and fucked up and screwed around... Their faces on opposite sides of their... head.

They groaned.

I found a use for that tool. The crazy combination of hammer and pliers. Looking back, it seems fitting that it was as messed up as they were. I broke their head in with it, because I knew that was the right thing. I'm as Godly as the next man, but... that isn't something God wants on this Earth. I'm sure.

I almost didn't have the guts to go through with it.

Right when I was walking toward them, when I'd resolved to do the deed, they looked up at me with double-smiles and talked right at the same time...

"Hello, sir. My names are Darrick."
« Last Edit: 12:57:02 PM 04/02/14 by Slimebeast »
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DrWolfula

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on: 03:17:53 AM 02/03/13
Probably gonna have to move again.



TDKMC1

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on: 06:00:01 PM 02/03/13
*shudders* That one was pretty good. I enjoy how you start with stuff that just seems a little off, then build the suspense with weirder and weirder things until the final horrific reveal.
No, there is no escape. The gateway is open, and you are all coming with me! Do you see? Do you see?! DO YOU SEE?!



Slimebeast

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on: 11:45:28 PM 02/03/13
I dunno what happened after the story ended. Maybe the guy tore the thing down or something. Then again, maybe it wouldn't allow him to! "Bing! Your sledgehammer is now part of your arm. Thanks for playing." :)
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goolygoo

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on: 01:37:18 AM 04/28/13
Early prototype of the Brundlefly machine?