Author Topic: OFM  (Read 5595 times)

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on: 10:15:24 PM 04/28/13
It started with a photo posted on one of the cryptozoology message boards I tend to frequent.

I'm not really one to believe in all that... legends and missing links... but I've always been a fan of the stories. Some of these folks, the ones that post their bullshit stories about first-hand experiences with cryptids, they're basically just really great fiction writers. Really great fiction writers who might be a little delusional.

I'll admit right out of the gate that I trolled the place. Hard. I was the "you're not fooling anyone" type of guy who rained on the parade every chance I got. If you think about it, lying like these folks had, while leaving huge plot holes anyone could spot, deserved a little flaming. After all, this is the internet. Half of us are scammers, and the other half are all about debunking schemers and exposing frauds! Who did they think they were dealing with?

I'll give you an example of what I was dealing with. This one jackhole, BigFootLives4, posted up his "totally real first hand account" of a Sasquatch sighting. The fact that this guy was the FOURTH person on this one site to use "BigFootLives" as a handle should tell you something about his creative skills. The tale started off with him hearing a strange banging noise in the back yard. He turned on the porch light, went out to see who was there, and saw Bigfoot rooting through his two metal trash cans. He actually had the balls to say he shouted in a deep voice and the thing ran off into the night.

I was game, so I played along a bit. I asked how he knew it was a Sasquatch and not, for example, an average bear. That's how I put it, too... "How do you know it wasn't a bear? Was it larger? Did it seem smarter than the av-er-age bear?" The Yogi reference went over his head, and he explained that the thing suddenly looked up at him in shock when he opened the door and he could clearly see its humanoid face.

"Why would it look up in shock at that point, and not when the porch light went on?" I probed. Some time passed, and he came back with a reasonable response. He supposed that maybe there was a delay between the light going on and his opening of the door. In that span of a few moments, the Bigfoot had obviously gone back to grazing through his garbage.

"Okay, one other thing..." I prepared the killing blow, "Why do you have a pair of metal garbage cans in your back yard? Why don't you have a normal wheeled can around the front for pick-up? Do you live in a TV Sitcom?"

The response was a less than fulfilling "Oh, fuck you!" but I was used to that.

What really took the cake, though, was the OFM.

To explain, "OFM" stood for the title I gave a certain photograph. Yet another yahoo out there in the boonies posted up a "totally for serious" story about a run-in with an inexplicable creature. The story was believable enough, if you're into that sort of thing. Apparently the yokel had been sitting at his computer when he heard a commotion outside. (Again with the "noise outside" thing, right?)

When he went to investigate the sound, Mr. Brainpower found his dog house covered in scratches and his hound dog hiding at the very back. Apparently the canine had been terrorized by some large animal that tried to get at him. No amount of coaxing could bring the dog out, and when the owner tried to reach in, he nearly got his hand bitten off.

So the guy figures... “What the shit?”... and turns to go back in his house. That's when he sees something that freezes him in his tracks.

A silhouette passes his kitchen window.

Someone's inside his house, casually walking around. He can't tell exactly who it is because of the curtains... but he can see the shadow. From his description, it's a hunchbacked man about the height of Shaq himself. Realizing his hunting rifle is in the house with the intruder, the guy runs over to his neighbor.

From the house next door, this idiot his neighbor (also an idiot) watch the thing as it passes by window after window. It's just pin-balling around in there, bouncing from room to room and back again... just walking nonstop like it has restless leg syndrome. Instead of calling the cops, idiot #2 grabs HIS gun and the both of these chuckleheads sneak back over.

The first idiot, the one with the unwelcome houseguest, he brings a camera. I guess there was only one rifle, or the neighbor didn't trust him with one. I don't know what the original plan was, but I suppose once they shot the burglar, they would take a photograph with the body. Kind of like those assholes who catch sharks and pose with them.

Of course, as soon as the pair of dunces fling open the back door, the intruder rushes them. They're both knocked off the rear porch, onto their asses, and the gun goes off into the air. Whoever broke into the house takes off into the woods like a shot and neither of the guys think to get a good look at him.

Already, I could think of a dozen different holes in that story. Even though this guy was new to the message board, I was more than ready to rip him a new one. However, the next reply to his post set me off on a different course.

He posted a photograph.

"Hey y'all, this is the photo I was talking about. Camera must've gone off when I was falling and I got a pretty clear pic of its face."

The image was hilarious. The guy had taken the head and hunched-over upper body of some deformed medical case... then he slapped on two cat eyes... and he rounded it out with a piranha mouth copied straight off a of nature photograph. All of these elements went into the Photoshop blender, and the final result was less than professional. You could even see some of the white fur still left intact around the cat eyes, and the hunchback cripple's body was more blurry and out-of-focus than the rest.

Now, nine people out of ten would probably look at all this and fire off a quick barb. Something like: "Nice try, how fresh is your head injury?"

Not me. This was all just too perfect, and I had to take my time with it. I pasted the "monster photograph" into Photoshop myself, then I laid some nice, bold text over the image. Essentially, I turned it into a silly meme.

(face image)

I know it's a cliché at this point, but the phrase was too perfect for this half-baked abomination. I knew I'd struck gold, because after I posted the image people started making their own. One guy copied the crazy cat-fish-cripple face and pasted it onto the body of a hot girl in a bikini.

(face on bikini girl)

More followed, and the entire thread turned into one big challenge to see who could make the most insulting and hilarious version of this stupid picture.

(face on soldier going into battle)

(face on dog with cone collar)

(face on woman searching hurricane rubble)

You get the idea. For the sake of brevity, people started referring to the creature as "OFM", and the images as "OFMemes". It spread to other threads on the board, like the user birthday thread. There, OFM was a kid in a party hat blowing out candles and he was "OBVIOUSLY WISHING FOR DEATH".

The picture started appearing on other sites soon after, and I felt pretty great about it. This was the first and only time I'd actually made something that went viral. I kind of saw myself as an internet celebrity, though most folks had no idea where the image came from or why it was funny. People just kind of copied it until the whole thing was thoroughly bastardized.

Someone even sent me a YouTube link with a local news team reporting on the strange picture. They called it "The Obviously Fake Man", granted, but nonetheless it was still an ego boost. Technically, I'd made the news.

I wished there was some way to make a dollar for every time the image was passed around.

Then the idiot yokel... the guy who originally posted the picture... sent me a private message. I knew what it was about from the start, and I'd been expecting it ever since the image first took off. I knew he'd be pissed that I not only made fun of his fake photo, but also the fact I was now essentially getting credit for starting the whole thing.

"Hey," he started, "Not cool what you did, man. Nobody believes me. Now I bet nobody will believe you. That's justice, right there."

I laughed the thing off and reported the message to the moderators. Called it a veiled threat, etc.

I went back to the original board where this all started, the "original content" board, and checked to see if he'd started a public thread about how horrible I was. Instead, I saw more replies in the ongoing OFM image battle.

(original image)

Huh. That wasn't a very creative one. Even the username, "TheOFM", made me roll my eyes.

(original image)

Another one. New reply, but from the same user. Other people were telling the guy off about his "work", but he didn't seem to be paying them any attention whatsoever. He just posted the pictures and nothing else.

(creature in a yard)

None of it made sense, and everyone was bitching at the guy to shut up. A few asked for him to be banned just based on his absolutely stupidity, but the Mods were hesitant. He hadn't really done anything wrong - he just wasn't funny.

I looked at the last picture again. The full body shot of the creature was just as horribly Photoshopped as the original image! Stupid cut-out cat eyes, badly selected piranha mouth, and that hunchbacked, raw-skinned body. I didn't even want to think about where the loser found a full naked body shot of some deformed freak like that. What was even weirder was that the body was still more blurry than the rest of the image.

Speaking of the rest of the image, I noticed a few other details. The shed in the background... its white paint peeling to reveal an old coat of blue... it looked a bit like mine. Similarly, the landscaping was almost identical to the plants and decorations I'd put out. The path of hexagon-shaped stones the OFM had one foot placed upon did indeed look just like the one leading out from my back door.

I heard my dog barking in its chain link cage.

It was followed by the sound of rattling metal.

I don't own a gun. Just a camera. When I look at this new photo, I can see is the white hair around the cat eyes... the inexplicably blurry body... My dog cowering in the background as the OFM himself leaps at me in the foreground. The next few shots are of feet. My feet, the thing's feet. Then there's one of the Sun. The last is a shot of my bloodied face on the hexagon stone path as the camera landed a few feet away.

Everyone loved the pictures.

They loved them enough to continue our little game for another few weeks.

(my head on the ground)

In an absurd and roundabout way, I'd created a monster.
If I should live until I wake, I pray the web my death to fake.


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on: 09:23:02 AM 08/17/15
wow, just wow, this is an amazing pasta! the ending was a little bit confusing, did the OFM actually kill him or did he just have photos of him mauling him and stuff? another great one slime :D