Author Topic: Han Solo vs. Indiana Jones (vs. Rick Deckard!)  (Read 7374 times)

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A long time ago,
in a Galaxy far, far away,

Harrison Ford was born with
two epic roles to play.

Which hero is superior?
That's for the geeks to say.

But this brittle bone-collector
is a fossil on display!

You're a dirt-sifting scholar,
researching Earth's past.

I'm a star-hopping fighter,
putting Vader on blast!

Why crawl around in a cave,
outrunning rocks for survival?

Might as well stop your search,
and admit I'M your idol!


Watch the attitude, pal,
or I'll old-school you, rookie.

Do you use that mouth when
you make out with your Wookie?

I'll track you down like a relic,
then I'll take you to class.

Bring you up to the front,
and whip out all your sass.

You're a money-hungry moron,
who's more lucky than skilled.

In my world, your antics
would get a fool killed.

Your charm is just smarm,
you're obnoxious and smirky.

Hop back in your Falcon,
and take off, ya turkey.


Cram it, old man, I can
tell you're not tough.

You're less threatening than
that puff, Shia LeBouf.

My franchise is timeless,
yours is dated and dull.

Leave the aliens to me, and
stop stealing their skulls.

Snakes terrorize you, and
send you into a panic?

I've slept with more scaly
chicks from other planets.

I'm light years ahead,
you're just slowing me down.

Fuck off to Bangkok,
play with your Short Round.


I have no doubt your vessel
has explored some dark places.

Getting super-diseases,
from unspeakable races.

But that's the whole problem,
you're too young and wild.

Better safe than syphilitic,
you small-minded child.

Go jump in Carbonite, kid,
I fought Nazis and won.

Boba Fett launched his booted
foot up your ass, Son.

I'll bust a cap in something,
and it won't be no moon.

You're in my Temple now,
and that means you're Doomed.

Suddenly, Blade Runner's Rick Deckard appears!


Such sad, campy cowboys.
You both make me sick.

I'm a grit-spitting sleuth,
suck my Philip K. Dick.

A self-involved super-ego
that you can't help but hate,

with the skills of a hunter
that you can't replicate.

Jones, you're a codger,
chasing after old phantoms.

More cranky than Pris'
tweaked-out temper-tantrum.

And Han, you're a hog,
for the credits and glory.

You're less human than
Artoo, in terms of the story.

You have Droids or Damsels,
I have both in one bot.

You George Lucas losers
should revere Ridley Scott.
« Last Edit: 01:57:36 PM 07/09/16 by Slimebeast »
If I should live until I wake, I pray the web my death to fake.