In 1991, Kenner combined the world of "little rubber guys" with the world of miniature vehicles. (Think Hotwheels, etc.)
The resulting mutant offspring could only be called...
SAVAGE MONDO BLITZERS!!111
Let's stop for a second and really take that in. They're blitzers, okay. Mondo? Great. BUT THEY'RE SAVAGE, TOO!
Damn, Kenner - you just took this to a whole nutha level!
Rather than get into an in-depth review of the toy line or parrot the history of the product (Surprise! Parents didn't like them!) I'm going to go in a different direction and count down to...
Blitzer of them all!
#24 - Fat Ax
He's a guy with a mohawk and an ax that isn't even that large in the great scheme of things. The figure may be largely unremarkable, but the name is a not-so-subtle middle finger to the parents of America.
"That's right. We just named one of your children's toys something disturbingly close to "Fatass". What now, bitches?"
#23 - Chop Chop
Why is this samurai-type warrior so high on the list when I just pooped on Ninjas at the beginning of part one? Well, first of all Samurai ain't Ninja, and secondly, take a look at this dude.
He's pretty old. What's he even DOING fighting a bunch of mutants and murderers around one fourth his age?!
The answer is he's slaughtering the Hell out of them.
#22 - Wedgyson
I'm not sure but I think that's supposed to be "Wedgie-San"... But hey, maybe the guy's name is just Harold Wedgyson, and he's just coming out of the shower before going to work at his Dad's auto parts store. Didn't think of that - did you, Racist?
This guy gets mega-props for the extreme amount of momentum they managed to depict in a tiny figure. This guy is flying through the air and after he lands on you, you'll be tasting sweat for a week.
#21 - Shark Bait
This fellow almost fell into the "80s Cliché" category and was nearly placed toward the bottom of this list.
Then I realized he's actually hunting that goddamn shark.
#20 - Blade Invader
Like the virgin said on her honeymoon - I have no idea what that is, but I like it.
#19 - Knight To Dismember
Ha! This guy... this guy right here... this is some guy. I mean, is he a time-displaced Medieval warrior who just appeared in modern times and started bashing in heads, or is he some deranged LARPer who's going to get his clock cleaned? Either way, I'm cool with it.
#18 - Gas Attack
LET ME SHOW YOU SOMETHING!!
#17 - Armed And Dangerous
I know what you're thinking.
This guy is only here because of the attention to detail and the absolute absurdity. Are we rooting for the guy? The dog? Who exactly is doing battle with the other figures, here?
Just when I think I know you, Savage Mondo Blitzers, you shatter my expectations over my head and call me Susan.
#16 - Cleat Meat
I like the overall design of this fellow. He's a nice mixture of knuckle-dragging "jock" and ogrish monster. This fellow would have been a good "team builder"... imagine an offensive line of Cleat Meats charging your poor Salad Bartender.
#15 - Barf Bucket
One of two inexplicable monsters with nonsensical names. Sure, he's probably barfing, but what makes him a Barf Bucket?
Maybe that was his nickname in high school, and BOY are those bullies sorry now...
#14 - Bad Fart
Bad Fart? BAD FART?!
I have no objections.
#13 - Eye Pus
I always liked humble little Eye Pus. One of the less threatening-looking of the figures, I always considered him to have some sort of hypnotising powers.
Also, he kind of looks like he's dressed as Napoleon.
Eye Pus, don't listen to what anyone says. I think you're a superstar.
#12 - Tyrannosaurus Ax
That popping sound you just heard was your head exploding.
Where did a living DINOSAUR come from? Where did it learn to skateboard? WHO GAVE IT AN AX? WHY DOES IT NEED AN AX ANYWAY?
I have to lie down.
#11 - Pork Chopper
Every time I look at Pork Chopper, I simultaniously throw up on my mouth and little and fall in love again. It's a pig-man with a chaingun. The only thing that DOESN'T make perfect sense here is why he didn't get a spin-off Saturday Morning Cartoon.
#10 - Roachkill
Major Pro: You're a cockroach action figure.
Slight Con: You look like a parrot action figure.
#09 - Lawn Disorder
Taking us into the single digits is Lawn Disorder. A sentient lawn mower not only makes sense given the toy line's wheel feature... but it's also pretty demented if you think about it.
He has to roll over someone to kill them. This guy is butchering people who are already down.
Plus you can't see it very well in the above photo, but DAMN DOES HE HAVE A MESSED UP FACE...
#08 - Butterfly Gone Bad
Despite the AWFUL name, this is one of the most iconic designs in the Savage Mondo Blitzers roster. What is he? A demon? A creation of nuclear testing? Why does he have a missile, and is he FOR or AGAINST nuclear proliferation?
All I know is that if he's a "butterfly gone bad", we'd better stop pissing these guys off...
#07 - Fly'd Out
Everything about this dude is hilarious, from the way he's gripping the skateboard (why not, you know, FLY) to the fact that he looks absolutely terrified. Sure, he's not going to be very much of a threat on the battlefield, but while he's whapping you in the face with his swatter and letting out a high-pitched shriek of terror, Pork Chopper is busily filling you with lead...
#06 - Bad Apple
I bet you thought that innocent-looking giant apple skateboarding toward you was completely harmless, right?
Surprise! A giant worm with a snake's head for some reason!
#05 - Jackhammer
Oh, man. A living chunk of concrete has just turned the tables! Let's see how YOU like being jackhammered all day, because I can tell you he's absolutely sick of it!
#04 - Shishkebob
With this figure, every time you look again, you probably notice something new.
This guy is everything you could want out of this toy line. Demented, brutal, and insanely detailed. If the amount of work on this character went into all the others, Savage Mondo Blitzers would have been one of those toy lines that caused mass hysteria as parents trampled each other for them.
Any toy that kills actual human beings just by being awesome is fine in my book.
#03 - Mr. Mutatorhead
What do you get when you cross Superman with a faceless ooze-beast and name it after a beloved potato-based plaything for all ages?
Pure badass. That's what you get.
I don't know if Mr. Mutatorhead's head mutates, or if it's just "finished" in its current blobby state. I like to think it's the former, and that he can form his head into any object he might require. Giant hammer... bazooka... a pair of breasts for when he's at a mirror...
Someone get this man a Summer Blockbuster.
#02 - Snot Shot
As we wrap things up, the bar is getting much higher when it comes to the Savage Mondoness.
Take Snot Shot, here. Is it enough that he shoots snot at you? No. He's also made entirely of snot. Just incase that wasn't disgusting enough for you, the fresh snot is green, while the rancid, presumably very stanky snot that makes up his physical form is a beautiful purple.
Snot Shot is what every little boy with an older sister aspires to become.
#01 - HEX BOLT
Oh. What a let-down. It's just, like, some warlock dude named Hex Bolt. Bummer, huh?
This is the damned Grim Reaper who also happens to THROW LIGHTNING BOLTS. This is no mere "Savage Mondo Blitzer" character. No, this fellow has transcended that definition. This is an amalgam of Death itself and frigging ZEUS, King of the Gods.
He's not just here to pluck dead Blitzers off the battlefield and usher them into the afterlife - he's here to actively kill them with electricity.
THEN he takes them to the afterlife.
Plus, I have to assume this glorious bastard can probably pass through solid objects, survive any given trauma, and fly, as well. I mean, the Grim Reaper can do all of this and more in most interpretations... after all he's pretty much the Angel of Death... and if you throw bolts of hot burning punishment, defying gravity should be a walk in the cemetery.
Hell, I'm not sure the other Savage Mondo Blitzers can even SEE him...