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Author Topic: Savage Mondo Blitzers - Part One  (Read 5424 times)

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Slimebeast

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Savage Mondo Blitzers - Part One
« on: 01:12:57 AM 01/01/13 »
In 1991, Kenner combined the world of "little rubber guys" with the world of miniature vehicles. (Think Hotwheels, etc.)

The resulting mutant offspring could only be called...


SAVAGE MONDO BLITZERS!!111

Let's stop for a second and really take that in. They're blitzers, okay. Mondo? Great. BUT THEY'RE SAVAGE, TOO!

Damn, Kenner - you just took this to a whole nutha level!

Rather than get into an in-depth review of the toy line or parrot the history of the product (Surprise! Parents didn't like them!) I'm going to go in a different direction and count down to...

The Savagest
most Mondo
Blitzer of them all!



#48 - Loaded Diaper



Babies are never cool. Even cigar-chomping babies who wield milk bottles like deadly weapons. In fact, the more a baby tries to be badass, the harder it fails.

Just stop, baby. Just... just give up on life.


#47 - Salad Bartender



Hahahaha, WHAT?! No!! :D


#46 - Gutter Brawl



Yeah, this cross-eyed hick really looks savage and mondo, doesn't he? I feel like his fingers are stuck in that cute gimmick "bowling-bomb" and he's perpetually trying to ride away from it. Poor, stupid bastard.


#45 - Numb Chuck



The 80s and early 90s were all about "throw a ninja at it". Masters of the Universe needs a new generic villain? How about a ninja? Savage Mondo Blitzers need to pad out the roster? How about a ninja?

How about a ninja who's hitting himself over the head with his own weapon while painfully pulling his groin?


#44 - Leg Up



That'll show 'em. Fall over and bleed to death.


#43 & 42 - Bad Audience & Direct Hit



Two "rock stars" with "attitude" who "totally" want to "rock your face off" while simultaniously "murdering you and everyone you've ever cared about in a nuclear holocaust".

Every bit of it a tired 80s cliché.

Plus Bad Audience is clearly a performer, not an audience member. I guess he's shouting his own name like a disapproving pet owner. "BAD audience. Bad!! Put your top back on and think about what you just did!"


#41, #40 & #39 - Lug Nut, Metal Head & Robozooka



Ugh, you guys are almost as bad as ninjas. Nothing interesting seperates you from each other!


#38 - Fist Fight



Heh.

Duck out of the way and watch this guy roll uncontrollably into the wall. While he's stuck, call names and beat him with an extension cord.

It's the only way he'll learn.


#37 & #36- General Mayhem & Killer Kommando



Daddy's gone off to war, but you can simulate his adventures using inch-tall skateboarding maniacs with flame-throwers. Drop and give me PTSD!

Killer Kommando gets the top spot out of the two for having an ultra-cool misspelled name.


#35 - Twin Geeks



You're physically abnormal, you look like 'the foreign guys who haven't been here long enough to learn English very well yet', and one of you doesn't know how to operate a scimitar.

Plus, you're named after an incredibly awful TV series.

String up a pair of nooses and let's get this show on the road.


#34 - Chow Hound



I want to like this poor mutt, I really do. I want to take him away from the fighting and rescue him and train him to be a "helper" dog. I want to tearfully give him away to someone in need, knowing it's the right thing to do and I'm making a difference in the world.

I just don't want that blind guy's death on my hands the first time he forgets to feed the thing and it starts eating his head.


#33 - Bad To The Bone



Skeleton? Check.
Giant bloody knife? Check.
Awesome name? Check.
Pose that screams "Complete Diva"? Er...

"Uh-uh. The hand bone's connected to the hip bone, girlfriend!"


#32 - Gun Runner



Face it. You're jealous of this awesome son of a bitch.

The down side is jamming a new clip up your ass mid-battle.


#31 - Blood Hockey



He's menacing, sure, but all I can hear is skating rink music. Traaa la-la la-laaaaa... Plus, I'm a chubby manchild with no interest in physical activity, so I'm not entirely sure... but I think he's holding that puck-hitting-thingy incorrectly.


#30 - Aping Wound



Watch out! That primate who's roughly the same size as everyone else is coming toward you with its arms chained firmly in place!

It might run over your big toe.


#29 - Kiss My Bat



I'd rather not. It's got some barf on it or something.


#28 - Head Alert



OH. DAMN. YOU'RE ADORABLE.

This guy doesn't so much ride a skateboard as survive because of it. That thing is essentially a wheelchair at this point. I love how he clearly doesn't know how to aim a gun - and can't seem to see where he's firing, anyway, due to those hilarious cross-eyes. No wonder this dude looks so incredibly angry - God doesn't love him.

(It's okay, there no possible way for him to hear me.)


#27 - Big Hans



This is what happens when you touch yourself - in the back room of a nuclear facility.


#26 - Secret Weapon



The biggest 'secret' is what this guy is supposed to be in the first place. All I know is that I love the insane look on his face, and he probably thinks he's the leader of all the Blitzers.

Just looks the type.


#25 - Destruction Worker



This blue collar dude was just sitting around, having his lunch, when someone had to go and start something. I like to think that his improvised weapon - a steel beam - was ripped out of a baby hospital under renovation.

It collapsed horrifically.

Because babies are never cool.



Stay tuned for part two, where I'll finish saying dumb stuff about crap!
If I should live until I wake, I pray the web my death to fake.