From Mattel comes the best example of why Hell itself is probably ruled by coked-out 1980s toy designers.Boglins
Certified babe magnet.
According to the official adverts for these malformed wretches; "If you take us home, we'll kiss your Aunt Martha, we'll eat your peas, and we hope you know lots of girls."
That's right. These rubber hand puppets will do all the things you don't have the courage to do... including getting to second base under the slide at recess.
Hang on. Don't just go assuming that I'm obsessed with sex and I'm projecting that on these harmless playthings. Let's dig a little deeper, here...
Most significant discovery in history! Go suck a petri dish, Jonas Salk.
Okay, what have we learned from the above...
1.) Boglins are super-f*cking-important.
2.) Evolution: Ooze -> Fish -> Boglins -> People.
3.) Bogologists trademark stuff in mid-sentence.
4.) Boglins taught us how to love.
Listen, I'm as open-minded as the next ultra-liberal Democrat, but if your child is learning how to love from a rubber hand puppet... take that thing away and burn it.
"Dwork likes to joke around." When you go to sleep at night, kid, the joke's on you.
"Hmm. Maybe if I said I had a free puppy in the van..."
But enough about the insidious and unarguably erotic nature of these toys. Hell, people make very good money getting kids to express themselves through puppets, right? Use the Boglin to show us where the suspect shoveled mud, Timmy.
Boglins initially broke down into two varieties. Large (Boglinus humungus)... and small (Boglinus minimus).
The larger Boglins were of course the best. Movable eyes, movable mouth, arms that went all wonky at the slightest provocation, and a design that was actually pretty awesome to dumb kids in the 80s.
The small Boglins were a bit less radical. Small Boglins were what you got when your parents were especially cheap or you didn't know what real
Boglins were, yet.
Take a look for yourself:
"WHY WILL NO ONE LET US TEACH THEM TO LOVE?"
Wow. When you're already a member of one of the ugliest and most disturbing toy lines of the 80s, being horribly made just adds a whole new level of pain.
While I'm not sure if courses in Bogology™ are still offered in modern universities, I can say that the toy line did go on past the "Large vs. Small" phase. Baby Boglins, Halloween Boglins, Soggy Boglins, Hairy Boglins, U.S. President Boglins... and more.
They even shoved these dirty things in kids' cereal
Pictured Above: How baby Boglins are made.
That, however, is for another sexy, sexy article.