- A Monstrous Waste of Time

Slimebeast's Projects => The Slime Pit => Pop Culture Crap => Topic started by: Slimebeast on 01:15:42 AM 10/02/13

Title: Jayce & The Wheeled Warriors (AKA Evil Cars!)
Post by: Slimebeast on 01:15:42 AM 10/02/13
We all know that the decade of the 80s was the best time in human history for off-the-wall toy production. It's not even up for debate. We saw everything from Germs ( to Butts ( turned into creative and unique playthings.

Why, then, would I call THIS one of the favorite toy lines of my childhood?

Run! Run from Pumpkinhead Ronald Reagan!

Jayce & the Wheeled Warriors was a somewhat cruddy cartoon that promoted a flippin' awesome toy line. So what makes it special?

Much like Mutant League Football ( is to date my only enjoyable experience with US Football, the Wheeled Warriors made me give a crap about cars.

I don't usually give a crap about cars, you see. Even toy cars. Especially toy cars.

The inventive vehicles in this line had the wicked sweet option of removing weapons and swapping them between toys. Universally. Imagine taking your Transformers apart, and instead of being a crazy-ass ruining his own toys, you could actually swap everything between characters.

The cartoon revolved around the heroic exploits of Jayce and his baby sister Flora and some dudes like Barry and Mark and Donner and Blitzen and who cares? I vaguely remember watching a couple episodes and wishing everyone was dead.

Hello, Not-Lion-O. I can't wait to hate you.

It's not about Jayce. Jayce is nothing. Not a single child on the face of the Earth liked the Wheeled Warriors line because of stupid Jayce or his idiot friends. They were scum.

Nobody even gave two hot oil squirts for the humanoid villains, lead by the scrote-headed Saw Boss.

Get out of my line of sight, crazy-head trash.

No, it's all about the BADASS MONSTER CARS!!


Called the "Monster Minds", these cars are actually clones of plant-based irradiated nobody needs to know this because it doesn't matter... The evil characters actually control a horde of identical vehicles that have similar names to their own, but for the sake of not being ridiculous we'll go with the character names below.

Regardless of the cartoon canon (which came after the toy designs) I thoroughly believe these were simple vehicles overtaken by some sort of otherworldly "car cancer". Are the green bits really vines... or are they veins? If I were to relaunch the series (of COURSE I thought about it) those appendanges with be a nice blood red with yellow ooze. :)



Oddly enough, Saw Boss, the leader of the villains, isn't much to speak of beyond his flippin' awesome gigantic sawblade. He has what I would describe as a "sort of generic evil alien monster vehicle face", were such a thing possible.



Terror Tank was by far my favorite "Monster Mind" as a child, and I think that still holds up to this day. Something about his eyes on a seemingly semi-detatched turret (which flips up!) over the evil jaws on its "body" gives this guy a really strange look.

Plus, tank noses are always top shelf.



Holy crap! The proportions of this thing, the way its head is sort of slung back over the wheels, mixed with the maniacal expression... it's a work of genius! The fact that he's holding some bitchin' cannons in his monstrous teeth is just icing on the crazy-cake.

Gun Grinner, what makes you grin? Is it guns?

(I bet it's guns.)



Weighing in with a tumor-like bludgeon sprouting from his brainpan, K.O. Kruiser looks like a blue-collar work truck. Quite possibly a blue-collar work truck who's an angry drunk.

"You don't know me, DAD!" wails K.O. Kruiser as he delivers the final blow.



Ew. No. Half AT-AT, half 'Gator, all fail. The Beast Walker fills a role often seen with vehicular battle toys... the "carrier". Seen here toting around Saw Boss for no real reason, the Beast Walker is my least favorite of the otherwise stellar villain line-up.

So there you have it. Awesome cars that made a carphobe believe in the power of four-wheeled horror. With the exception of a few Transforming toys and Hot Wheels (also monster-themed) they're the only cars I gave two snots about.

Picture those dudes just rolling down Main Street, organic, drooling, deformed giant heads with absurd lasers and rocket launchers jammed into their flesh... strange, vine-like appendages flailing madly above...

That's an apocalypse I want to be a part of.

Bye, everybody!!


Well, okay, yeah... the vehicles driven by the "Good Guys" are pretty neat as well!


They're called the Lightning League or whatever.



I guess this was Jayce's car. Undeserving prick.

I like the overall low, blocky form here. If there's going to be a basic "main car" that everything else sort of riffs off of, this is a solid design. There's so much gold, however, that I feel like someone Pimped this thing out.

"We know you like grabbing cars, so we put a big car-grabber on your car so you can grab cars from inside your car!"

Thanks, Xzibit!!



The saddest thing about the driver here is that he thinks he'll have a passenger someday. Nobody wants to ride with you, bro! You drill under the Earth for days at a time, where its hot and smells like sulfur! Stop bringing an extra fun-size bag of Doritos in case you find a friend, you'll end up eating them yourself like always.

Cool engine, though.



Crappy name for a cool vehicle! For some reason this reminds me of old B-Movie Sci-Fi vehicles. I just want to see Quick Draw here rocketing past Mars, its Captain hale and hearty despite the fact his cockpit is open to the vacuum of space.

Perhaps the coolest aspect belongs to its main weapon, however; a shield that flips up to reveal a secret hidden cannon! Clever, hiding a weapon in that impossibly large, blocky shield you've attached to the hood for no known reason. None shall suspect a thing.



Crappy name for a crappy vehicle! What is this, even? I guess the idea of having "extra spikey front wheels" as a feature is kind of nice when you can swap them onto other vehicles... but... yeah, that's just about all Spike Trike has going for it.

It's whole gimmick is that you can take its front wheels off and put them on a better car.



Title: Re: Jayce & The Wheeled Warriors (AKA Evil Cars!)
Post by: Mary on 05:59:13 AM 10/02/13
I always read these things thinking you're making them up.

But you're too poor to get a custom run of just-plausible-enough wacky 80s toys that you designed and fabricated a story for, right? Right?

I mean even the butts were more plausible. Butts were a big craze back in the day, you wouldn't be seen in public without one.

Though I guess things always look retarded in retrospect. Maybe some day Mo jr will be making spaceblog about how in the early 2010s there were a hundred retarded lego spin offs, like one about spinning ninjas.
Title: Re: Jayce & The Wheeled Warriors (AKA Evil Cars!)
Post by: Slimebeast on 02:03:12 PM 10/02/13
I - wha?
Title: Re: Jayce & The Wheeled Warriors (AKA Evil Cars!)
Post by: Mary on 05:21:09 PM 10/02/13
I can't comprehend this shit either the morning after, don't worry bud.
Title: Re: Jayce & The Wheeled Warriors (AKA Evil Cars!)
Post by: Dracula on 03:56:42 PM 10/31/13
You don't like Beast Walker? He was the one I always wanted.

I had a couple of Wheeled Warriors storybooks as a kid but I never saw the toys until I was a teen. A guy at a fleamarket sold me a set of them including three of the bad guys and the one belonging to Jayce. He also sold me the playset - the Battle Base, I think - which kinda looked like the Sandcrawler from Star Wars in that it was big and boxy with little treads underneath. It had a ton of little guns that could connect all over it and a big telescoping turret on the top. The whole thing opened up and had a bunch of rooms for the minifigures and ramps to launch the cars.

Really cool toys, all things considered. The little brain "drivers" in the bad guy vehicles were especially neat.
Title: Re: Jayce & The Wheeled Warriors (AKA Evil Cars!)
Post by: wade on 03:11:30 AM 03/04/14
ahh, the 80 s 8)
I had all but the walkers, they were out of my meager  budget range, but the rst, i still have.
loved these guys.
of course, the baddies were the best, the always are.