We all know that the decade of the 80s was the best time in human history for off-the-wall toy production. It's not even up for debate. We saw everything from Germs
turned into creative and unique playthings.
Why, then, would I call THIS one of the favorite toy lines of my childhood?
Run! Run from Pumpkinhead Ronald Reagan!Jayce & the Wheeled Warriors
was a somewhat cruddy cartoon that promoted a flippin' awesome toy line. So what makes it special?
Much like Mutant League Football
is to date my only enjoyable experience with US Football, the Wheeled Warriors made me give a crap about cars.
I don't usually give a crap about cars, you see. Even toy cars. Especially toy cars.
The inventive vehicles in this line had the wicked sweet option of removing weapons and swapping them between toys. Universally. Imagine taking your Transformers apart, and instead of being a crazy-ass ruining his own toys, you could actually swap everything between characters.
The cartoon revolved around the heroic exploits of Jayce and his baby sister Flora and some dudes like Barry and Mark and Donner and Blitzen and who cares? I vaguely remember watching a couple episodes and wishing everyone was dead.
Hello, Not-Lion-O. I can't wait to hate you.
It's not about Jayce. Jayce is nothing. Not a single child on the face of the Earth liked the Wheeled Warriors line because of stupid Jayce or his idiot friends. They were scum.
Nobody even gave two hot oil squirts for the humanoid villains, lead by the scrote-headed Saw Boss.
Get out of my line of sight, crazy-head trash.
No, it's all about the BADASS MONSTER CARS!!THE BADASS MONSTER CARS:
Called the "Monster Minds", these cars are actually clones of plant-based irradiated nobody needs to know this because it doesn't matter... The evil characters actually control a horde of identical vehicles that have similar names to their own, but for the sake of not being ridiculous we'll go with the character names below.
Regardless of the cartoon canon (which came after the toy designs) I thoroughly believe these were simple vehicles overtaken by some sort of otherworldly "car cancer". Are the green bits really vines... or are they veins
? If I were to relaunch the series (of COURSE I thought about it) those appendanges with be a nice blood red with yellow ooze. SAW BOSS
Oddly enough, Saw Boss, the leader of the villains, isn't much to speak of beyond his flippin' awesome gigantic sawblade. He has what I would describe as a "sort of generic evil alien monster vehicle face", were such a thing possible.TERROR TANK
Terror Tank was by far my favorite "Monster Mind" as a child, and I think that still holds up to this day. Something about his eyes on a seemingly semi-detatched turret (which flips up!) over the evil jaws on its "body" gives this guy a really strange look.
Plus, tank noses are always top shelf.GUN GRINNER
Holy crap! The proportions of this thing, the way its head is sort of slung back over the wheels, mixed with the maniacal expression... it's a work of genius! The fact that he's holding some bitchin' cannons in his monstrous teeth is just icing on the crazy-cake.
Gun Grinner, what makes you grin? Is it guns?
(I bet it's guns.)KO KRUISER
Weighing in with a tumor-like bludgeon sprouting from his brainpan, K.O. Kruiser looks like a blue-collar work truck. Quite possibly a blue-collar work truck who's an angry drunk.
"You don't know
me, DAD!" wails K.O. Kruiser as he delivers the final blow.BEAST WALKER
Ew. No. Half AT-AT, half 'Gator, all fail. The Beast Walker fills a role often seen with vehicular battle toys... the "carrier". Seen here toting around Saw Boss for no real reason, the Beast Walker is my least favorite of the otherwise stellar villain line-up.
So there you have it. Awesome cars that made a carphobe believe in the power of four-wheeled horror. With the exception of a few Transforming toys and Hot Wheels (also monster-themed) they're the only cars I gave two snots about.
Picture those dudes just rolling down Main Street, organic, drooling, deformed giant heads with absurd lasers and rocket launchers jammed into their flesh... strange, vine-like appendages flailing madly above...
That's an apocalypse I want to be a part of.
Well, okay, yeah... the vehicles driven by the "Good Guys" are pretty neat as well!THE PRETTY NEAT GOOD GUY CARS:
They're called the Lightning League or whatever.ARMED FORCE
I guess this was Jayce's car. Undeserving prick.
I like the overall low, blocky form here. If there's going to be a basic "main car" that everything else sort of riffs off of, this is a solid design. There's so much gold, however, that I feel like someone Pimped this thing out.
"We know you like grabbing cars, so we put a big car-grabber on your car so you can grab cars from inside your car!"
Thanks, Xzibit!!DRILL SERGEANT
The saddest thing about the driver here is that he thinks he'll have a passenger someday. Nobody wants to ride with you, bro! You drill under the Earth for days at a time, where its hot and smells like sulfur! Stop bringing an extra fun-size bag of Doritos in case you find a friend, you'll end up eating them yourself like always.
Cool engine, though.QUICK DRAW
Crappy name for a cool vehicle! For some reason this reminds me of old B-Movie Sci-Fi vehicles. I just want to see Quick Draw here rocketing past Mars, its Captain hale and hearty despite the fact his cockpit is open to the vacuum of space.
Perhaps the coolest aspect belongs to its main weapon, however; a shield that flips up to reveal a secret hidden cannon! Clever, hiding a weapon in that impossibly large, blocky shield you've attached to the hood for no known reason. None shall suspect a thing.SPIKE TRIKE
Crappy name for a crappy vehicle! What is this, even? I guess the idea of having "extra spikey front wheels" as a feature is kind of nice when you can swap them onto other vehicles... but... yeah, that's just about all Spike Trike has going for it.
It's whole gimmick is that you can take its front wheels off and put them on a better car.TRAILBLAZERGET LOST, TRAILBLAZER! YOU DISGUST ME!