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Author Topic: Greetings, I have brought pastas.  (Read 6474 times)

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Eksh

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on: 12:59:38 PM 10/20/13
Hi all

I'm familiar with the creepypasta genre for quite a time. I've used to read quite alot of them back in /x/, and of course had my visits to creepypasta.com creepypastawiki. And even before that, I've used to read some thriller and horror stories, usually with the paranormal

On my last trip to creepypastawiki (To link a friend to a story I wanted to recommend to him - The Watchers: http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/The_Watchers). I came to read "Abandoned By Disney" and almost instantly I've kept going to SlimeBeast's page, reading every story I can. And, as you can guess, it was awesome

I've wrote some short stuff before, but this experience made me and gave me an inspiration to try my take as well, and who will I ask for opinion if not from the great SlimeBeast?

Currently, I have 2. But that's bound to change, at least with a few more

Just In Case [The first]
http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Just_In_Case

Some Free Time With Myself
http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Some_Free_Time_with_Myself

And of course, all of you are welcome to post your opinion as well. I'd love it



Mary

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on: 06:44:04 PM 10/20/13
The first one I like. It's sorta cliche, and lacking a bit of meat. But overall pretty good.

The second one is really verbose. It's a common mistake. I do it, slimebeast certainly does it. I just know he's gonna argue that explaining lots of irrelevant details makes it realer or misdirects the reader until the shocking twist ending, but a famous guy called Bill Shakesman once said brevity is the soul of wit. And he was right.
Also I didn't quite get it? He was the murderer? He was framed? The knocks were gunshots? If he was the murderer how was the new already running a story about him being on the loose?

Keep writing though!
» You throw a tantrum, but all you seem to accomplish is slight disarray.



Slimebeast

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on: 08:03:33 PM 10/20/13
My stuff is just short or long (that's what she said and she said and she said) based on what sort of story it is. I write more with a feeling of how it's supposed to go rather than any sort of plan.

For example, "I Saw a Stranger" is just a riff on Slenderman choosing his new 'host' - it's kind of necessary for it to be easily digest (LOL GET IT) and that the main character have no actual discernable qualities... Like Slendy.

The longest one, "Red Sky at Night", is long and weird (that's what a tree said) because it's working through a lot of stuff. Can't just write "A boat happened and underwater zombies and then" etc


That said, I have yet to check out the links (just got here) - I'm just an advocate of authors doing what the story needs. If the story doesn't need to be a slow burn, then it shouldn't - and so on.
If I should live until I wake, I pray the web my death to fake.



Mary

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on: 12:51:59 AM 10/21/13
See, I told you.  :-*

(well pretty much)
» You throw a tantrum, but all you seem to accomplish is slight disarray.



Slimebeast

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on: 02:49:32 AM 10/21/13
:P
If I should live until I wake, I pray the web my death to fake.



Eksh

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on: 11:31:58 AM 10/21/13
The first one I like. It's sorta cliche, and lacking a bit of meat. But overall pretty good.

The second one is really verbose. It's a common mistake. I do it, slimebeast certainly does it. I just know he's gonna argue that explaining lots of irrelevant details makes it realer or misdirects the reader until the shocking twist ending, but a famous guy called Bill Shakesman once said brevity is the soul of wit. And he was right.
Also I didn't quite get it? He was the murderer? He was framed? The knocks were gunshots? If he was the murderer how was the new already running a story about him being on the loose?

Keep writing though!

Thanks!

About SFTWM - The father isn't the murderer. When he was in the shower, his wife and 2 kids were murdered, and each time the murderer killed one of them, he knocked on the door to "tell him" how much he killed (thus 1, 2, 3 knocks)

The broadcast is kind of confusing, I know. I've tried to put the twist before you can understand it, and it's supposed to be about an hour or two after the story itself happens, to sum what happened



Mary

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on: 03:21:11 PM 10/21/13
Thanks!

About SFTWM - The father isn't the murderer. When he was in the shower, his wife and 2 kids were murdered, and each time the murderer killed one of them, he knocked on the door to "tell him" how much he killed (thus 1, 2, 3 knocks)

The broadcast is kind of confusing, I know. I've tried to put the twist before you can understand it, and it's supposed to be about an hour or two after the story itself happens, to sum what happened

Ah, that makes more sense. The way it read was like he'd just hopped out of the shower and closed the window and then there was a new broadcast saying his family had been murdered.
» You throw a tantrum, but all you seem to accomplish is slight disarray.



Týr

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on: 03:44:43 PM 10/21/13
The first story is a bit stale. I've read far too many of these that bank on the trope of 'You don't know it's there but it's there' to incite paranoia in the reader. It would do well with some fleshing out; give the story its own character.

The second story is alright. The ending is pretty confusing, as Mary pointed out, but it's better than the first. It would be much better with more context added.

Both have a number of mistakes in their writing that you may want to look into fixing. Two examples: in the first story you use 'feel' a handful of times when it should be 'feeling'; in the second story, near the beginning, it goes 'you'll ever will'.
where am i



goolygoo

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on: 01:48:09 AM 10/22/13
There's one grammar flub in the second story that just tickled me, I'm sorry...



Otherwise, like others have said, first story feels more like a generic template for a type of story than one that stands on its own, and the second one could be written more clearly. Otherwise your writing style, outside of said grammar flubs, ha, isn't bad at all so yeah keep at it and show us your progress!
« Last Edit: 01:49:50 AM 10/22/13 by goolygoo »



Eksh

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on: 11:24:24 AM 10/22/13
Fixed according to your corrections, I'm used to 'feel', that feel when...

And thanks again for the comments!

Currently I'm working on a third story, a quite detailed one compared to the others, but the longer it is, the more to maintain. Hope I'll publish it soon