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Author Topic: Fail! - Lost Resort  (Read 2580 times)

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on: 11:34:23 PM 09/11/13
So... a year or two past, I was hot to pitch a cartoon series to an interested media company. None of it worked out, of course, otherwise I'd be saying "WATCH MY SHOW" every seven seconds.

Here's one of the pitches for "LOST RESORT"!

“Lost Resort” Animated Series Pitch
Created by Christopher Howard Wolf

The Lyman family has just left their semi-normal urban locale for a more tropical landscape. Naturally, the run-down resort they own & operate is in the Bermuda Triangle.

Model sheets by Chris Fason
Left to right: Hector, Marie, George, Nik, and Holly.

It seemed like the perfect opportunity… a resort in foreclosure, available for next to nothing. After a particularly rough day at the office, George Lyman decided to throw caution to the wind and funneled his family’s savings into the ill-advised purchase.

Now he’s left everything behind, and has dragged his family with him. Adventure, comedy, and insanity await them as they attempt to keep George’s dream afloat. Always one step ahead of ruin, the Lyman family gets embroiled in crazy schemes and world-shattering events on a daily basis.

Odd characters populate the paradise, stopping at the resort’s tiki bar and staying over as they cross this nexus of time, space, the afterlife. On a “normal” day, one might see wealthy heiresses and aging rock stars rubbing elbows with ghost pirates or giant carnivorous plants.
The Lyman Family:

   George Lyman: (Father) George was a corporate shill for Consolidated Toxins™, and is almost entirely estranged from his children. Now that he co-runs the Lost Resort with his wife, he’s trying to create a “normal” family unit. He is essentially living his dream now, but finds it difficult to juggle the Resort and his family life.

   Marie Lyman: (Mother) A fierce protector of her children and anyone/anything in need, Marie bucks the system at every opportunity. Now that she co-owns the Lost Resort, it seems to be her husband that’s getting bucked. She has a lot of ideas on how to “save” the resort, and they usually fly in the face of George’s “sensibilities.”

   Nicole “Nik” Lyman: (18yo) Fiery and free-spirited, Nik is in tune with anything and everything “cutting edge”. She can be a bit irresponsible and fickle at times. Nik works for a game developer via virtual reality “teleconferencing”, and often dates within the company… which includes actual video game characters.

   Hector Lyman: (13yo) Hector is a young prodigy in the field of black magic. He’s dark and moody, with a promising future in villainy. For now he mostly uses his satanic talents to torment his sisters and aggravate his parents. Hector is an outsider who has no interest in fitting in.

   Holly Lyman: (13yo) Holly is a fair-skinned waif. She appears soft-spoken and frail to all but Nik & Hector, who she has no problem with berating and/or harming. Holly is not above the most underhanded schemes to garner attention or sympathy, often to the detriment of others.

Resort Staff:

   Chip: Chip is a parrot and self-appointed mail carrier. It brings messages or items to and from the resort when needed, and speaks only in public domain sound clips. These clips usually don’t fit the situation, naturally.

   Otis Hume: The janitor and fix-it man, Otis is a creepy older gentleman with a penchant for awkward conversations and being where he shouldn’t. He also happens to be terrible at his job, but his demeanor keeps anyone from attempting to actually fire him.

   Penny Candy: Formerly a secondary character in a children’s puppet show, Penny is a surprisingly down to earth and self-actualized Clown in full make-up and larger-than-life backside. She now cooks and tends bar for the resort, making pretty much everything in pie form.

   Skulldar: This medieval torture specialist has found his true calling. As the resort’s masseuse, he uses time-tested techniques to bring clients to the brink of grievous personal injury. It’s unclear as to whether this towering, masked brute understands the actual purpose of his job.

Additional Recurring Characters:

   Bernard “Bernie” Chudsworth: Bernie is a sewage worker with a hatred for "Over Worlders". He’s pale from living underground, with Nosferatu-like teeth. Just let him do his "frickin' job" if you know what's good for you… or he’ll bring out his patented rat-on-a-stick.™

   King Chester: The last in a long line of obese, dull tribal kings on the island, Chester lives a life of excess that does nothing but bore him to tears. Chester has a heart of gold, but with an entire horde at his beck and call, he’s lost touch with the common man.

   Ethel Beard: Over the course of 102 years, Ethel has lived the full life of an actress, singer, pin-up model, and covert CIA assassin… among other professions. She has come to the resort to die, which seems to be taking longer than expected and causes her much frustration.

   The Sun: Acting much like a laid back rastafarian, the Sun itself patronizes the resort’s bar. He’s only a bit larger than a human, and inexplicably comes by at night when he’s “off work.” He dispenses either sage advice or horrible ideas based on how wasted he is.

   Wozzle the Whinging Whatsit, AKA “Wozz”: A full-grown man in a monster costume, Wozz used to work with Penny. He now bitterly spends his time stalking her. He’s lost his true self, considers the children’s show to be reality, and does physically impossible things attributed to his monster character, like barfing rainbow confetti.

Prospective Episode List:

01.) “This is the Place.”
   After a surprising dismissal from his job, George Lyman cashes in his 401k and leaves the corporate world behind. While his wife is apprehensive but supportive, his children make their displeasure known. Only after moving in and beginning repairs do they realize that the resort they now operate is located at the center of time, space, and the afterlife.

02.) “Show & Hell.”
King Chester, a local tribal leader, takes the Lyman family on a tour of the island. This includes a parade featuring a young “Mango Princess.” Holly immediately schemes to become the next parade princess as Hector does everything in his power to prevent her success. George and Marie have their own problems when Nik brings home an ultra-violent Space Marine.

03.) “Is This a Joke?”
   When George finds out why the resort’s top chef prepares everything in pie form, he meets Penny, a clown-turned-cook. When she refuses to change, he fires her. Cue a series of replacements who botch the job in their own special ways. George must find and re-hire Penny before she leaves the island with her unhinged stalker and former co-star, Wozzle.

04.) “Really, Really Reality.”
   After being aggravated by Marie’s constant intrusion into her virtual reality workplace, Nik decides to go further into the computerized realm than anyone has dared explore. After being trapped by a forgotten horde of obsolete desktop games, her only hope lies in the further meddling of her family. The others must jack into the system in order to release her.

05.) “Tragic Magic.”
   When Hector begins acting out more than usual, Marie insists that George hire a “Dark Arts” tutor to challenge their son’s mind. Unfortunately, the tutor ends up being schooled as Hector tempts the ancient wizard into getting revenge on others through a series of paranormal pranks that could lead to the utter destruction of the universe.

06.) “Why Would I Lie?”
   Feeling less than popular at her new school, Holly begins spreading false rumors about well-liked students. This leads a secretive cool-kid cabal called “The Clique” to mark her for death. Nik tries to get her sister to come clean about her lies, but when that fails it’s up to her to protect Holly from the fatal conspiracy.

07.) “Are We Dead Yet?”
   An elderly woman has been making a series of outlandish demands from the resort staff. When George gets to the bottom of things, he finds that one Ethel Beard has come to their establishment to die. Though he and the staff want to honor her wishes, it soon becomes clear that Ethel is taking all of their time and energy.

08.) “You Said it.”
   Chaos reigns as Chip, the resort’s parrot, begins imitating the Lyman family and the resort staff. Misunderstandings brought about by the bird’s repetition of offensive and out-of-context phrases threaten to tear the group apart. A call to a famous television “Bird Whisperer” only makes matters worse when the family’s behavior toward the animal is exposed as “abusive.”

09.) “Watching For Whitefin.”
   When George is attacked on a fishing expedition, he discovers that his assailant is “Whitefin”, a sailfish that native islanders consider a God. Though King Chester asks George not to go after the celebrated creature, he can’t resist revenge. Hector joins his father on the hunt in an attempt to devour the fish and attain its power.

10.) “This is a Surprise.”
   In order to set up a surprise party for George, Marie suggests he get to know some patrons of the resort’s tiki bar. George tries to assemble a ubiquitous “group of four friends” at the bar, but each attempt ends in discomfort or violence. After past failed gifts, the kids attempt to find George a present that he won’t trash.

11.) “Maybe Babies.”
   In order to afford an expensive new gadget, Nik takes a second job babysitting local children. She tries to keep things under control without asking her doting mother for help. Nik has many difficulties avoiding Holly’s jealousy and Hector’s desire to sacrifice the toddlers to a deity he met online. Of course, Marie spies on the situation at every opportunity.

12.) “It’s Wozzle!”
   After stalking Penny for years, Wozzle the Whinging Whatsit seems to have cleaned up his act. He now has his own variety show and a lucrative, multi-million-dollar contract. When he invites Penny and the Lymans to a taping, things soon take a disturbing turn as they are imprisoned and forced to reenact scenes from Penny’s old show.

13.) “Because I Sand So.”
   After being trapped together in a prize-winning sand sculpture, Nik, Hector, and Holly recall past events when George forgot about each of them… and resolve to take vengeance. Once freed, the kids ignore George to the point he begins to believe he has actually ceased to exist. Instead of being depressed, George takes the opportunity to go anywhere he wants.

14.) “You Compute Me.”
   Nik discovers that her latest digital beau has cheated on her and decides she’s better off simply programming the perfect man. This hunk captures the attention of the entire island’s female population, putting a lot of pressure on Nik. Similarly, Hector defiantly uses the program to create the perfect gruesome minion to do his evil bidding.

15.) “Have @ You!”
   It’s time for the island’s “Renaissance Fair”. To bolster business, George seeks decorative help from Skulldar, the resort’s medieval dungeon master masseuse. Unfortunately, Skulldar’s tastes more reflect those of Martha Stewart than Vlad the Impaler. At the fair, “Queen” Holly and “Dark Lord” Hector use the entire event and its patrons as fodder for a bloody and brutal medieval war.

16.) “No Nudes are Good Nudes.”
   A stretch of sand bordering the resort has just been declared “clothing optional.” George is livid and takes his complaints to the highest court of the island while Marie explains that there’s nothing ugly about the human body. Hector and Holly spend their time skulking around the new location, alternating between intrigued and absolutely horrified reactions to the beachgoers.

17.) “Life Sinks.”
   The island is sinking. Very slowly. Theories ranging from climate change to angry volcano Gods are bandied about as people prepare to evacuate. George, Marie, and the resort staff begin packing everything that isn’t nailed down. Amid the confusion, Hector stoically assembles an unlikely team of heroes to undertake a mysterious mission he believes will save their island home.

18.) “What Makes Me Tick?”
   After an unusual drunken night of debauchery, George awakens to find a bomb strapped to his chest and must figure out what exactly he must do to disarm it. While Nik offers statistical probabilities and Hector uses hypnotism to seek the answer, the real answer lies with Holly and her recent dealings with organized crime.

19.) “A Bun in the Coven.”
   When a spooky-cute young witch claims Hector is the father of her unborn child, George and Marie begin planning to raise the little hellspawn. Despite Hector’s insistence that he never touched the sorceress, Holly is the only one who believes him. Since she doesn’t want the baby stealing any attention, Holly devises a plot to uncover the truth.

20.) “Fool Me Thrice.”
   After being told her children are threats to public safety, Marie shadows each of them on separate days. The eye-opening experience causes Marie to assemble a new list of strict guidelines that quickly force Nik, Hector, and Holly into becoming mindless drones. For once, George is the one who must act for the good of the childen.

In the end, this died for the same reason most of my projects fail. Folks had other things to do. I like to think I'll come back to all of these "FAIL" projects some day when the stars align and opportunity knocks.

If I should live until I wake, I pray the web my death to fake.


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